And back again

Wow, I've been out of the blog loop for a while now. My apologies but I've been away. Way far away as a matter of fact. I was in the Dominican Republic for a week at a meeting of provincial youth ministers. It was amazing. I've got lots of thoughts on the subject but they haven't all settle down in my brain yet so maybe I'll share some later. Right now it's budget 2005 time so I'm up to my eyeballs in paperwork and trying to figure everything out. I think I've got a new column to share with you so that'll arrive next week. Plus I have to WRITE the next one after that! Such fun.

But I'm back and feeling pretty good. More words to come
Peace

Just wanderings

The subtitle of this online tome warns you, you never know what you may get!

I'm tired today. A meeting in Buffalo last night kept me out till almost 10:30. I'd started the day early to try and get to morning prayer here in the Parish house(and made it). But the combination of the early start and late finish have really whacked me. Add in that yesterday was workout day and I probably shouldn't be surprised.

I seem to be tired a lot these days. That worries me a little because my wife has a disease and one of its side effects is constant tiredness. I don't think that's my problem. Part of it is just having so much on my plate right now. Some of which I'm really passionate about and don't want to give up. Some of it is stuff I do because I feel duty bound to do it. Some of it is part of the life I've chosen (husband and father). Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't feel passionately about those roles, I do. They are just in a different category from my work at the provincial level which I could drop at any time.

Why do I feel the urge to do so much? In part it's because I'm old school and the expectation is that you go the extra mile, you take on the burden for the team. If I'm being honest I have to admit that some of it is ego. I believe that I'm talented at some things and I'm capable of doing a better job (at some things) than a lot of other people. If you've been given gifts by God don't you owe Him to do everything you can? That thought has underlay many decisions in my life over the last couple years.

I have come to doubt that premise. Not that I owe God for the gifts He's given me. Rather I've come to doubt that the price for those gifts includes grinding myself into the dust. What suffers first and most often are those two roles I listed last, husband and father, and that's just dumb. I believe that those two are the PRIMARY roles I've been asked to fulfill. I'm not sure that I've been given the most gifts to do them. It remains that I need to insure that my energies are available to do those jobs right.

I get frustrated when my diocese identifies areas as priorities then doesn't assign the resources to deal with those areas as a priority. Yet in my own life I find that I often do the same thing. My energy flows out into all the other areas of my life and my priorities gets what's left. Dumb. Theologically flawed. Self destructive. And worse yet, other destructive.

I'm tired. And I'm tired backwards. Time to get my face pointed the right direction.
Peace

The nearness of Death

I'm not normally someone who spends a lot of time thinking about dying. It'll happen eventually of its own accord. All I can do is eat right and get some exercise so I don't open the doorway too widely too soon. But every once in a while something comes along that demands you attention.

Nature and my house conspired to bring just the whiff of death wandering into my life yesterday. We've had a long period of unusually cold weather here for the last month or so. Consequently we have had any snow melt, it just kept building up and up. The weight of the snow then compacts it into ice. We had quite a wall of it building up along the edge of the roof just over the walkway between where my family parks our cars and our front door. In the last week the weather has warmed up into the 40s several times and the snow and ice has begun to melt. But not that big ice dam along the edge of the roof. The roof edge is easily 30 feet long and stands two country house stories above the ground. Yesterday as my rector dropped me off at home following a meeting in Buffalo I commented that I was beginning to worry about all that ice. What if it fell on someone?

The comment was quick, without any feeling of foreshadowing. I said goodbye, walked along the path, up two steps to the small back porch, pushed open the door and went up the 13 stairs to my apartment. What did that take? Maybe 5 seconds? As I stood at the top of the stairs I heard a LOUD rumble then a thud. I had a pretty good idea what had happened, ice fall always sounds the same. Quickly moving to my bedroom I looked out the window. The rector was pulling back into my driveway, dialing his cell phone. He had seen the entire ice dam come down, as a piece just seconds after I'd disappeared into my house. The section over the walk fell just inches to the left of where I'd walked. On the bottom step to the porch sat a piece the size of a basketball, exactly where I'd have been standing if our conversation in the van had taken another few seconds.

By quick estimate about 500 pounds of ice came down. Tore the phone lines out of the exterior wall and destroyed some of the siding. No other damage. I called the phone company and they'll show up sometime before spring (even with the wires hanging low over the side street). Everybody safe.

So why did my hands shake for hour? It really wasn't close. But it was close enough. Close enough to catch that whiff. Too close.

Peace