I'm Feeling Better!

The title is to be read with Monty Python and the Holy Grail in mind.

With the big weekend out of the way (and it went pretty well), that's lifted my spirits some. Plus today I went and saw my "financial advisor". Now I put that in parentheses because it still feels weird to say that. Like I have a lot of money hanging around. I have a small investment portfolio that I inherited from my folks and that includes the advisor. My dad picked them out and they've done wonderful things for us over the years. Once a year I go down and talk with them.

This year I was in a bit of a panic. That small investment portfolio is a LOT smaller than it was just two months ago. But I came away feeling pretty good. One fund actually MADE money in the last year even with the last two months included. Overall we actually out performed the market. I have very little understanding of what he says to me even though he talks very slowly and uses short words. We talked about our plans for our personal finances and he said we were on the right track. Oh and he believes the worst of the market fluctuations are behind us.

I'm just telling you what he said. Made me feel better.

What doesn't make me feel better is my whole weight thing. I'm stuck at 193 pounds. Have been for months. So today I added a food journal. I hate doing stuff like this cause it's boring. Then I saw today's totals! I was more than a third over my goal. With no exercise to speak of since I was on the road for 7 hours. Hmmmm, I may have stumbled onto something here.

Also interesting to note that after getting used to eating healthy the fast food burger I grabbed today (I know, I know, bad decision!) sat in my stomach like a lead weight.

Football pool was pretty good. 79% on picks good for 13th on the week and up to 9th for the year. I never broke Top 15 last year and spent most of the season in the 30s as I remember. The Miami loss killed me but I did (gulp)choose the Giants to win.

But in the end I'm feeling better. And that's nice for a change.

Peace

Isn't Life a laugh?

I thought I'd reached the point where I could just laugh. That point when the sadness and the bad news either tip you over into the dark night of the soul or into a crystalline realization of the absurdity of it all.

All the stuff from last week. Followed by a really good Monday in the market and an OK Tuesday. Then a calamitous Wednesday. Then the sunroof in my lady wife's car decides to stop working, with the roof cracked open. And her transmission is acting strange. And my car has worn out a wheel bearing. Then the shop calls to say the wheel bearing is actually a wheel HUB because it was built as one big, expensive piece ($259 just for the part) and oh by the way your front brakes are SHOT. 600 dollars later...

I thought I'd found the tipping point into laughter.

Then an e-mail. A friend. A fellow youth minister. A fellow diocesan staff person from not that far away. His position has been eliminated. He'll be out of work with a mortgage and a new baby just in time to greet the New Year.

And my brain shut down. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.

So I do little things. Things that keep me busy without asking too much from my resources. I'm sorry all lines are busy. Your request is still being processed. I send a quick note to my friend, reaching out in what small way I can at this moment. I do futzy little office things. Things that need to be done but are simple. I take a walk only to discover it's too damn cold for a walk with no jacket. So it's a short walk.

I'm sorry but when does this shit storm end? Yes I'm almost ready to lay in a stock of food and water, board up the windows and post the sign "Keep Out - trespassers will be shot".

My lady wife won't permit it. I know her and that answer is just not on. She's told me that she believes we'll be OK, no matter what. And she's so sure. And I want to believe. Maybe this is how it's supposed to work. She's here to be strong for me when I quail before the darkness. When she was so sick I tried to be strong for her. We weathered that storm together.

I keep remembering the story of Jesus and the disciples in the boat in the storm. And they woke him crying "Don't you care that we're going to die?!?". And he calmed the storm and asked them "Why were you afraid?".

I don't know Lord. But I am. And I waiting for the storm to calm.

Maybe then I'll laugh.

Peace

A deepening sadness

I'm still not sure that I should write this post. But it seems I am so I'll go ahead.

This has been one of the most...

And then I stop. I can not seem to find the words to describe how I feel. Saddened? Yes but that's not all. Worried? Yes that too but still doesn't cover it. There's an aspect of spiritual gloom that has descended on me that I struggle to describe. It is a great weight upon my mind and soul and heart.

Last weekend the the diocese where I grew up voted that they no longer wished to be part of the Episcopal church. It wasn't a surprising move, they've been telegraphing this punch for years now. I respect their point of view theologically even as I utterly disagree with it. I believe their attempt to leave as a diocese is without meaning. Dioceses are creations of General Convention and have no independent existence. They can leave individually but not as an entity.

Even though I knew the vote was a foregone conclusion it still saddens me. Sad beyond the deepening rift in my denomination. Sad to my core because this is the diocese of my baptism (St. Andrews, New Kensington), my confirmation and marriage (St. Thomas in the Fields, Gibsonia). It is where my parents ashes are interred. I don't know if that congregation will decide to stay as have 19 other so far. I can only imagine this is how children of divorce must feel. Torn by our affection for both sides but feeling that we are being forced into making a choice. It has been a darkness on my heart.

Then came the announcement that some folks are leaving us here in Western New York. Some of the clery and congregation at St. Bartholomew's Tonawanda have informed the bishop that they too will be departing TEC. Again, not a surprise. The folks at St. Bart's have been open about their disagreement, have kept the channels open for discussion and in the end have made their decision. They will walk away and form a new congregation in a new building. I have the highest respect for these folks. They have walked what must have been an incredibly difficult path and done it with honor and dignity. The words fail me on how much I respect and honor this hard and painful decision. I am truly sorry to lose them and I wish them well. But it is a further darkness on my heart.

Finally I must admit the financial crisis frightens me. Each day my small investments portfolio is devastated again. My financial situation was tight but manageable before. Now I must admit that the first touch of fear has descended. What will be left? How bad will the economy get? How hard will our diocesan budget be hit. Will I still have a job? How will I care for my family? Yesterday when I saw the final numbers for the Dow I literally became light headed. I can not deny it any longer.

I am afraid.

My faith tells me to trust in God. But I am not one who can just lay back and hope that God will make it all better. My belief is that God expects us to be involved in creating our own lives. I have no faith in predestination, nor a micro-manager deity. God has given me life, and gifts and love. Now I must make of them what I am able. I must ask God to help me hold this fear at bay. I will ask him to lift, at least a little, the darkness that oppresses me. And yes, foolish inconsistent mortal that I am I will ask him to micro-manage just a little bit in my favor!

I will not give up. I will not give in. I will continue to live my life and follow my calling.

And I will pray. A lot.

God watch over us all.

Peace

Back from vacation

I took the parts of last week that weren't already holidays as vacation and swore to myself that I wouldn't do anything that was related to work. This blog is an interesting question since it started as a "ministry" blog but has grown to be something larger/different than that.

Time away was good, I'm hoping I can continue to expand on some of the energy that was generated.

In the meantime:

What Social Status are you? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Middle Class You're content in your position and would prefer a house or a family than a seven figure pay cheque. But you have your moments of weakness when you buy a lottery ticket in the hope of knowing how the rich and famous live. Middle Class 88% Lower Class 50% Upper middle Class 46% alternative 29% Luxurious Upper Class 29%

I'd say this is fairly accurate. I do buy lottery tickets because as the tag line used to say "Hey, you never know". Money, in and of itself, isn't evil. If you're thinking "But the Bible says that money is the root of all evil" then go back and read it again(1Timothy 6:7-10). Money is a tool and a very useful one. Tools can be misused but that doesn't make the tool evil. My hope is that I would be able to use that tool well. For me and my neighbors.

I'm just sayin'.

Peace