Sunday, December 06, 2009

A Bitter Taste of Disappointment

I did something that I knew I shouldn't do.

I hoped.

Oh hell, I did more than hope. I started to dream, to even plan just a tiny little bit.

It all came crashing down in a single page letter on Friday.

Sabbaticals are new things to me and like most new things it is both exciting and frightening. I struggled with what to do. Suddenly a perfect answer seemed to present itself. A chance to study at a great institution for a full semester in a fabulous city. It took a while to grasp the reality that such a wonderful thing might be within my grasp. With the encouragement of friends I believed.

And dared to hope.

The letter on Friday was typical, perhaps slightly nicer than most. They assured me of my wonderful qualities as an applicant. They mourned the difficult decisions they had to make. In the end it boils down to something simple.

No.

It was long shot in many ways. So I supposed I shouldn't have been so invested in it. But it was so wonderful and it felt so right. I allowed myself to be seduced by the dream instead of a determined realism. So the letter's blow fell hard. Much harder than I had anticipated. The taste of my disappointment is bitter.

I learned years ago not to follow the path of stoicism, attempting to deny the feeling. There is no value in noble suffering to my mind. For me that is just a way to extend the pain. No, I give myself permission to wallow in disappointment for a season. A little while to embrace the hurt, to revel in it just a little bit. I feel sorry for myself and refuse to feel sorry for feeling that way.

But only for a little while. With this note that season draws to an end. This bitter taste deserves no longer time than this. I must return to my work, return to my life, return to the arms of the good and glorious that have been granted me.

For though this bitter taste will linger in smaller and smaller reserves, and I know that my tongue will seek them upon occasion it is a small sharp note in this life. I am blessed. It is my hope that I shall be blessed again. Those blessings will mellow the bitterness and age will dull its bite.

Come the morning I shall set it aside.
Come the morning I shall set it aside.
Come the morning...

Peace

1 comment:

Lamont said...

Thinking to the new day to come and the fun, exciting opportunities that are yet to come. They will come...