I'm tired. Not just physically tired, shoot that's probably the least of this tiredness I feel. I'm tired from feeling like my world is resting on my shoulders. Tired of feeling like I can't afford to let anyone down. Tired of being the responsible one. Tired of the challenges of job and ministry, of bills, of health issues, of all the terrible problems that may exist or may only be in my head. I'm tired of the burdens of my own brokeness.
My heart is tired, my mind is tired, my spirit is tired. I feel like Sisyphus constantly pushing that stupid rock up that stupid hill. Never to get there, always to have it roll back down the hill, right over top of me most times. Sisyphus was given that task as a punishment for trickery. Am I being punished for something? That's not what I understand our relationship to be so I don't think that's it but it's the way I feel sometimes. Sisyphus was given a pointless task to do and an awful lot of what I'm doing feels pointless to me too.
This is a hard thing you've tasked me with, this youth ministry thing. The image of the garden comes up in scripture all the time. It seems like this is the part of the garden where everything grows fast including the weeds. I can spend all day fighting the weeds and never have a moment to feed and water the things I'm supposed to be growing. When particularly clinging weeds gather round what you want me to tend actually RESENTS my pulling those weeds away! And it's likely I'm never going to see the full bloom of the work you have me doing. They're still growing and immature when they leave my care. Am I making any difference at all?
Of course I'm still growing too. And some of those clinging weeds I've become rather partial too as well. I try to remember that you've given me a good place to grow and surrounded me with wonderful resources to help me in that growth. The saying goes that you never give someone more than they can bear. Feels like you've got a pretty high opinion of me somedays! I have to admit that deep down in my heart that feels good, even when it seems like maybe, just maybe, this time you over estimated just a teensy bit.
I'm still tired but I feel a little better now. I know that getting that stupid rock up that stupid hill is still my job. But do you think you could hold it here for just a moment? Just long enough to catch my breath and ready myself again for the push.
Thanks, that was great.
Love you man.