The title of this entry is a line from the play "Thousand Clowns" by Herb Gardner. A show I did years ago and this line just found a place in my life. It's the perfect summation of how I've been feeling recently.
Which reminds me. If you're wondering about the oboe reference in the last post, I had included one of those little online tests. This one was for what orchestra instrument are you? Unfortunately I could never get the coding to work so I dropped it. And forgot about changing the title. I think I'm going to leave it as a representation of the anarchy that threatens to break out in my life.
I'm really coming up fast on a crossroads in my life. In the best of all possible worlds I wouldn't have to make a choice. But it seems pretty clear right now that staying on the current route is going to slam me right into a wall. It's the bits and pieces I've mentioned over the past couple months:
My mom's death;
My wife's ongoing illnesses tagged with her first surgery (about which we have some small worries that may be nothing);
Having my primary job reduced to 80% of full time so that...
I have to get a second job (and the related issues that I want to go whole hog on a job, which is darned tough to do on two fronts);
ongoing funding issues (no longer immediate problems but long term challenges that require here and now commitments of my time);
I talked with one of my brothers and he's having some undisclosed problem too (and I want to help him but I'm stretched close to my limits as it is. So what do I do?);
plus the every day stuff like my own health (I weigh too damn much), my daughter graduating from high school, paying bills, an unexpected tax bill (which we can pay but will wipe out our savings)etc...
It's just tiring, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I told my lady wife this morning that I'm beginning to wonder if my parents made the right choice for the executor of their estates. I don't feel like I'm handling this at all competently (I haven't screwed anything up. At least not yet. But it's been close. And there's tax time hanging over my head.)
I can tell when things start overwhelming me. My usual borderline orderliness goes straight over the edge. Papers begin to pile up, things start getting misplaced and occasionally lost. The very thought of even trying to dig my way out is so overwhelming that I can't bring myself to even try. Today was a good day, I sat down and forced myself through the filing and throwing away. Now I'm certain that I'm missing two pieces of paper. One's important, the other one isn't. I've taken steps to replace the unimportant one and think I know what to do about the other.
You know what a koosh ball is? They were all the rage about ten years(?) ago. They look like balls made entirely of rubber bands. Right now I feel like a koosh ball that has someone pulling on every single rubber band, in completely different directions. What happens is that the ball is under maximum stress but can't move in any direction because of the equal pull in ALL directions.
To be perfectly honest the feeling sucks.
So soon I'll have to make some decisions. Decisions about giving up ministries that I love and that have been very good for me. But they take me away and chew up time that I'm not sure I have to invest any more. I may have to make some decisions that will hurt/offend family members in order to get things moving because I can't emotionally deal with letting them slide any more. I have to commit to investing more of my time and energy into things that are "job" rather than "ministry" or "passion". There's not anything wrong with those things but they don't excite me and I don't believe they play to my strengths.
I have a couple of really cool blog entries I want to share but I don't feel like I have the time. Like the White Rabbit in Wonderland it's "So little time so much to do".
Yet the people around me seem to think I'm doing a fine job.
Oddness Murray, oddness.